My Little Air Bear!

Wow, what a big day.  A big day for tears.  Seriously, I must have been holding them in for a few weeks and then of course, while I'm singing "I Believe In Christ" for the opening hymn in Sacrament Meeting I would start out into that kind of uncontrollable kind of sobbing.  In public.  How many times has that happened in my life?  Once.  Today. 

I was so very thankful to be sitting near Julie Duersch who supplies the ward with tissues whenever someone starts to cry.  Dear Julie: Thank you!  Maybe this should be your next calling - Ward Tissue Supplier.

So, there were lots of reasons for the tears since they've been building up and have been ready to burst for days now.  I just feel so sad sometimes about my little air bear and all that she has to go through.  I also feel sad for myself because it's sometimes difficult for me.  I am tired of taking care of IV tubes, a cellulitis sore that won't heal, giving her a bath so that the cellulitis can sort of heal but at the same time not wanting to give her a bath because it's such a process.  I don't enjoy having to put the aquaguard (water repellent plastic covering) on over her dressing so her line doesn't get wet and then pulling it off after her bath.  She has sensitive skin like me and her skin is so raw where we've had to pull off the tape over and over again.  These were just some of the things that make me cry. 

Then, there were the beautiful hymns we sang and the songs that the primary kids sang in the primary program today.  Everything centered on our Savior Jesus Christ.  As we have been going through this trial I have found that scriptures that refer to His Atonement jump out at me.  I weep at the thought of the pain and agony He felt.  It hurts me inside to think about it.  It is also so comforting at the same time.  It's comforting to know that He has felt the pains that Erin is going through.  I wouldn't wish these pains on anyone.  Yet, He willingly felt them for us!  He has felt the pain of cancer and He has felt the pain a mother feels as she watches her little child fight cancer.  The Atonement is beautiful!  It is an amazing wonderful gift.

Our children have enjoyed saying their primary program parts for us for family home evenings for the past few Monday nights.  We had them stand on a chair and use our vacuum handle as a microphone.  The kids took turns saying their parts over and over as they all practiced not eating the microphone - you know, like spitting into it to say their parts.  Cecily's was, "The Holy Ghost makes me feel warm inside when I read the scriptures with my family."  Caleb's was, "I will be safe if I follow the Prophet."  And, we gave a part to Erin to practice since she was a part of our family home evening this week, she said, "I am a child of God."

Erin and I are off to Primary Children's tomorrow morning.  We have to be to the Oncology Clinic by 8:30am.  I spoke with our Primary Oncologist, Dr. Katoua, today and it was so comforting that he was the doctor on-call.  The first thing he said to me was, "how is our little baby Erin doing?"  We have the best care there at Primary Children's.  We will meet with Dr. Verma (another of our favorite Oncologists) tomorrow morning to look at her cellulitis.  There will also be a Surgeon available to check it out in the case that it will need to be poked and drained.  Ugh.  I just kept wishing that it would just heal on its own.  I sort of expected a big miracle.  Miracles happen, I do believe this.  But, for some reason we have to go through this whole process.  I am learning more about myself as we go along for the ride.

The healing of Erin's cellulitis will push our last round of chemotherapy back so I'm not sure when we'll actually start that.  I know that they don't like to put it off for more than a month between chemo rounds.  I am thankful that her blood work is showing no signs of leukemia cells growing.  I am thankful that my beautiful little girl is with us.  She really is beautiful, inside and out.  She has the most amazing spirit.  I love you little air bear!