This experience of having a child with cancer has brought upon us beautiful blessings and a more sincere understanding of our Savior and His Atonement. Along with that, it has also brought along pain and heart wrenching feelings.
In the back of our minds we are constantly wondering if these beautiful moments with Erin will come to a short end. The feeling of having her leave us comes and goes. Some days I think, "I could do it. I could survive this life knowing she is somewhere else doing far greater things." And then other days, I think it would break my heart to not see her smiling face and hear her sweet melodious voice.
These are the feelings that we are constantly battling.
It is something amazing to look at your child and see their inner beauty, their sweet spirit that you love so much. To see them and to love them is a blessed gift from God. It makes life so much more sweet knowing that we have been a part of Heavenly Father's plan in providing a body for our little girl. He is so trusting of us to let us provide and teach His beautiful little girl.
These feelings and new understandings are a burden and a blessing to us. The burden is the sorrowful feeling, but the blessing is seeing and understanding the greater picture of what life is all about.
Brian, our 12 year old neighbor and friend, was listening to the quiet whispering of the spirit one day. His brother gave him 50 cents. He knew that he needed to give it to someone else. There was one Sunday recently when our emotions and feelings were deep and tender. Singing the hymns in church about our Savior and His sacrifice for us brought more and more feelings to the surface. John and I were in tears. Tears of grateful understanding of our Savior and tears of sorrow for the unknown. At the end of our church meeting Brian gave us his 50 cents. He said, "it isn't much, but it is something."
It was way more than just something. It was everything to us that day. It wasn't the money that mattered, it was the number that mattered.
Erin is in remission of her cancer. We are so thankful for that sweet blessing! The next 5 years will be a big trial for us because with her type of Leukemia 50% of kids will relapse within 5 years. The other 50% will stay cancer free for the rest of their lives.
It is difficult to live with the feeling of wonder and the unknown. But, we know that the Lord is mindful of us. The 50 cents that Brian gave us was a little miracle for two tired worrisome parents. We believe that Brian giving us the 50 cents was the Lords way of telling us that He knows what we are feeling.
We are grateful for the little miracles in our lives. They make all things more bearable. There must be opposition in all things. We wouldn't know and be grateful for the miracles and blessings if we didn't have to feel the sorrow and grief for the trial.